"Strength, Strength to get you on your way.
Strength, Strength to make it through your day.
You gotta have strength to carry the load.
You've got to have strength, strength!"
These are the words to one of the songs on one of Case's "Thomas the Train" DVDs. We were headed home this evening from the mall area and a nice supper at Newks when I heard this song come on from the back seat. I have heard it a million times I am sure and have always just tuned it out, or been on the phone, or been concentrating on where I am going, etc. But for once, my mind was not wandering and I heard every word of this little "song" from Thomas' show. And I began to think...(I know, very dangerous for me to do, especially after a long hard day at work... but, I did it anyway).. and then I began to wonder............
Where does strength come from? How much strength is enough strength? What does it REALLY mean to have strength or be strong? Am I as strong as I have always thought I was? Am I weak if I am not strong? How can I gain strength/become stronger?
In case you are wondering, I am not speaking of physical, brute strength.. I am referring to mental, emotional, and spiritual strength. I have always felt, for whatever reason, that I HAD to be strong. I HAD to hold "it" together....I HAD to be tough and strong and committed and determined and be able to handle all things that came my way----or even that I brought upon myself. This belief has caused me lots of stress over the years. Its caused numerous disagreements with my husband, hurt feelings with friends and undo stress and pressure at work. I guess if I am being totally honest, I am a self diagnosed perfectionist. I think I get some of that from my daddy!! I have always, even as a child, believed that if something was going to get done and get done right then I was going to have to be the one to do it; otherwise it wouldn't get done, or it wouldn't be right, which to me equaled being disappointed. I don't like being disappointed, so I'd just rather do it myself.
I have other beliefs, some from very early on in life and some that have developed in adulthood, that affect or determine my behaviors, attitudes, and disposition about lots of things. Another is failure. I DESPISE failing! If there is something I am good at (which isn't much!!) I give it 1000% of me because I want to do it right...the best. If there is something I do not think I will be very good at (basketball for instance) I just wont even try because I do not want to fail at it. When I feel like I have failed, I am VERY harsh on myself. I truly can be my own worst enemy.
So all these years I have thought I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually strong. I mean, I am a middle school principal for crying out loud! You MUST be mentally and emotionally strong to handle this job most days. I am a child of divorced parents; I HAD to be mentally and emotionally strong at different times in my life, as a child and as a young adult. I am the oldest of 6 (if you count step brothers) children, I HAD to be strong in lots of situations. Trust in others has never come very easily to me; it takes TIME and circumstances for me to trust in and believe in others. I am sure that goes back to that whole "me having to do everything myself or it wont be right and then I will be disappointed" notion! So I have always thought that because I didn't depend on others and I could take care of things myself that I was a very strong person. I have always worn my "independence" and strength as a banner.
In recent months, I have not felt so strong. Due to unspoken circumstances (life in general, etc), I have learned that its ok for me to depend on others, and it doesn't make me "weak". Yes, people will let me down and disappoint me. But when they do, it is NOT a failure on my part for having trusted them or relied on them. This has been a very hard realization for me. As I explained to my friend Hillery, as long as that "wall" was up and I didn't depend on others or trust others, then they couldn't hurt me and disappoint me AND.....................................I couldn't hurt them and disappoint them. As much as I despise being disappointed by others, I REALLY HATE being the one to disappoint (probably because I don't like to fail and when I disappoint you, I have failed you)....
My friend Susan gave me a book this summer for my birthday by Nancy Leigh DeMoss titled "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets them Free".... The book has been on my nightstand (along with about 6 other books I have either started reading or desperately wish to) since she gave it to me. About a week ago, I picked the book up and began reading it! WOW! The good Lord knew what he was doing by having me wait to read this book now. It is soooooo speaking to my life and to my heart and to my spirit. Through reading this book (which I HIGHLY recommend) I have realized that there are many "lies" I believe about God, myself, sin, marriage, emotions, and circumstances.
One of those lies is the lie that I HAVE to be strong.... every day, every place, all the time!! Another one is the lie that in order for it to get done and get done right I have to be the one to do it. And lastly (for this post anyway), the third lie I realized I have been believing is the one about trusting in others, depending on others, and being disappointed by them.
I am only into the 3rd chapter of the book but I have realized that all these "beliefs" are sinful and have caused me to allow sin into my life. One of our hymns yesterday during worship time had the stanza "Jesus is all I have"... As I sang those words, I thought about this book and what I had been learning. I am not supposed to put my faith in people anyway!! That is WHY I always get hurt or let down or disappointed. Its just human nature and is going to happen. Rather, my faith and trust and dependence needs to be on Jesus.. cause in the end, He is all I have. This is a delicate balance for me. By putting my faith and trust in Jesus and not people, then am I right back at having to do everything for myself. No! I am praying that God will (and he has already) place the right people in my life's path who will be willing to help me, support me, pray for me, and walk WITH me through this journey we call life.
I don't feel like I have done this book justice. Its great! I will be blogging about it alot in the days to come. It has put alot of things into perspective for me and caused me to be reflective on some things in my life. My friend has told me several times recently that God is molding me. At 36, I thought I was already molded. I am realizing that I was just MOLDY!!! :)
If you get a chance to get this book and read it, please give yourself that blessing. In the meantime, stay tuned for my next 3 chapter update!!
God Bless you all! (all 2 of you!) :)
Our fall festival at school was this past Saturday and it was a huge success! Since we are considered an "Arts in the Classroom" school, we decided to make this year's festival a "Fall ARTS Festival. We tried to incorporate the arts in the festival and showcase our students' work similar to how we are infusing arts in the classroom. We had several booths that provided authentic arts experiences for students. We had several local artists come in and share their craft with the students. We had a few local bands come and play some music out at the picnic area for participants' dining pleasure. We also had an "Art Shoppe" where we sold some of our students' artwork and other projects. 
Larry, Curly and Moe!
Ok, this is like "Where's Waldo?" Can you find Case and Clint hidden in this picture!?
Case and friends!
Notice all the marshmallows all around us!!
